Surreal

Even with the ultrasound pictures in hand, it has been hard to believe that this is really happening. I think that is the worst aftereffect of the miscarriage. Especially a silent one. There is always a constant nagging thought that something could have happened and I wouldn't know. It's hard to get excited. Excitement means attachment and attachment means a harder let down. It's hard to believe that there really is a baby in my belly. 

As the weeks tick by, I become more an more hopeful. The farther it gets the better the chances. The more weight is lifted off my shoulders. There were many nights where I wanted to hop in the bath. Not only for the warm comfort, but to know. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to know if it was bad news. I wasn't ready for that if it was going to happen.

Luckily, despite my fear of excitement others around me are more than excited enough for the rest of us. It feels good to feed off of the excitement and dare to hope, if only for a little while. 

Also, despite my fears everything is going great. I feel good, but tired, although that has been getting better. I had major issues with heartburn (since when does PB&J give a person heartburn!), but that too is better. No more saltines or toast for dinner. No more regular installments of Zantac with Tums nearby just-in-case (I still keep the tums... you never know). 

I have been lucky with morning sickness, and crazy cravings (just the normal kind. Like going to the gas station down the street for something gummy & fruity. Now. There was only chocolate in the building. Chocolate would not do.)

Ugh. And the peeing. I hate long meetings. At least now when I get up to leave I get smirks rather than strange looks when I pass off my mouse and run away for a few minutes! It might have something to do with the copious amounts of water that must be consumed daily. 64 oz is a lot. (and I like to drink it warm...)


I think pregnancy brain has been my biggest downfall. I had to have P download a grocery app that will share between our phones so that she doesn't have to steal mine and make notes and set reminders for me. (Even now it plights me. I had a good story, but now I can remember what it was. sigh.) Oh! I have my co-workers trained to remind me to take my notebook with me when I leave for meetings, since I can't do it on my own to save my life. This ends soon after birth, right? Our household cannot survive having two people who would lose their heads (or misplace their keys in the sink and have to take the spare), if they weren't attached. 

You'll have to ask the hubby about the 'craziness.'