13 Weeks - Rubber-bands & Ingenuity

I have gotten to the point where my pants don't really fit. I can still button them, but only when I'm standing. When I sit down I have to pop the button... it hurts to much. So here is me all sorts of classy, sitting down in a meeting full of managers, discretely unbuttoning & buttoning my pants under the table. Or sighing in relief as I pop the top when I sit down at my desk. 

Rather than continue down this path, especially when I can't make it through an hour meeting without a pit stop, I decided something had to happen. On the way home I stopped at target and got a tummy band (and a couple shirts). It is a stretch tube that covers my pants and goes all the way up to my boobs. Now I can get crafty with a rubber band to keep them closed-ish and cover it with the band. :) 

S&P do not think this is an acceptable solution. Much to my despair, they vowed that during our footy Pajama sleepover party that I would be required to go shopping. *shutters* I held out hope that the potential snow and the high elevation of S's house would trap us on the hill. But alas, I was not rescued by snow, instead I was drug (whining and pouting) to the Stupid Mall.

We spent hours. HOURS. shopping. Luckily, all I had to do was stand in the room and try clothes on. Things were delivered to me, and after I made the mistake of not showing off my maybes, I didn't even really have to make any choice for like or not like. (If I have to shop this is the way to do it, I was spoiled by this from back in the day when M or Q would do all the work for me. Both boys enjoyed shopping for some reason and had better taste then I did anyway). After our initial stop at Motherhood Maternity and some awesome deals & new button free & comfy pants we went in search of other stores. 

BUT not before I had a pretzel. I needed something to cheer me up and keep the grumpy hungry bear at bay. 

After lots of unsuccessful stops in several other places & an almost purchase of black converse with florescent green rubber (THEY WERE AMAZING, but apparently little kid converse come with arch support. yuck. do. not. like.) we decided that we were not going to find tank tops & that double boob would work a little bit longer. 

Now the bump has space and is covered. Very responsible, even if I had to be a brat and be forced into it. 

Surreal

Even with the ultrasound pictures in hand, it has been hard to believe that this is really happening. I think that is the worst aftereffect of the miscarriage. Especially a silent one. There is always a constant nagging thought that something could have happened and I wouldn't know. It's hard to get excited. Excitement means attachment and attachment means a harder let down. It's hard to believe that there really is a baby in my belly. 

As the weeks tick by, I become more an more hopeful. The farther it gets the better the chances. The more weight is lifted off my shoulders. There were many nights where I wanted to hop in the bath. Not only for the warm comfort, but to know. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to know if it was bad news. I wasn't ready for that if it was going to happen.

Luckily, despite my fear of excitement others around me are more than excited enough for the rest of us. It feels good to feed off of the excitement and dare to hope, if only for a little while. 

Also, despite my fears everything is going great. I feel good, but tired, although that has been getting better. I had major issues with heartburn (since when does PB&J give a person heartburn!), but that too is better. No more saltines or toast for dinner. No more regular installments of Zantac with Tums nearby just-in-case (I still keep the tums... you never know). 

I have been lucky with morning sickness, and crazy cravings (just the normal kind. Like going to the gas station down the street for something gummy & fruity. Now. There was only chocolate in the building. Chocolate would not do.)

Ugh. And the peeing. I hate long meetings. At least now when I get up to leave I get smirks rather than strange looks when I pass off my mouse and run away for a few minutes! It might have something to do with the copious amounts of water that must be consumed daily. 64 oz is a lot. (and I like to drink it warm...)


I think pregnancy brain has been my biggest downfall. I had to have P download a grocery app that will share between our phones so that she doesn't have to steal mine and make notes and set reminders for me. (Even now it plights me. I had a good story, but now I can remember what it was. sigh.) Oh! I have my co-workers trained to remind me to take my notebook with me when I leave for meetings, since I can't do it on my own to save my life. This ends soon after birth, right? Our household cannot survive having two people who would lose their heads (or misplace their keys in the sink and have to take the spare), if they weren't attached. 

You'll have to ask the hubby about the 'craziness.' 

A Bun in the Oven, The Sequel

After a week long trip to Mesa, AZ for work I was glad to be home. G had grown like a weed & I missed normal life (& my own bed). Upon returning to work, S was curious to my "status." I told her I had until Tuesday for something to happen. If I didn't see anything, I would take a test at the end of the week. 

Just before lunch, I looked over at my calendar, where I had made note of the last visit. All of a sudden I was doing a double-take and counting the weeks. Low and behold, I was off a week... I was going on week 5 instead of 4. 

With a dear in headlights look in my eyes, I made an early departure for home to let out the giant mutt (with the tiniest bladder in the world). With my one remaining test, I hit the bathroom as soon as the pups were out the door. It didn't take more than a few second for this grade to be reported. It was pink. Very pink. Eep. 

As soon as I returned, the look on my face told the story. I had passed. S celebrated, I was in shock. Again.

That evening, when I told Hubby of my stellar performance, he was well, a boy  (despite the fact, that it was his idea to start with). We decided, that after last time we would wait to share the news until after my ultrasound. 

After a smirk and a quick eye diversion from F-in-Law one night at diner after I ordered my hamburger medium well, I had a hunch that someone had a big mouth. But of course, if I called him on it, and they didn't know I would be the big mouth. I decided to wait until later when we were alone but pregnancy brain prevailed and I forgot. 

When the day of the ultrasound finally arrived I was a wreck! I was soooooo nervous. Luckily, they move you in pretty fast to the ultrasound room once you've checked in and peed in the cup. I practiced my yogi breathing to keep from freaking out. Like last time, she took her time taking pictures here and there of I'm sure very important things. This time when we got to the main event it was definitely different. A much bigger peanut blob. I still didn't hear the heartbeat, but they can apparently measure it with their giant wand and everything was a-OK! Bigger relief could not be felt. The tech printed out our pictures & we were on our way to the lobby to wait for the nurse. 

I couldn't stop staring. It was there, it was real, it was healthy. Phew. 

Now we could finally tell our parents, Oh wait... his already new. Blabbermouth. 

With pictures in hand we spread the good news to family and friends. 

The Aftermath: Everything Happens for a Reason

July & the beginning of August were not the best in the W Household, with the start of the month claiming Felix to the coyote, and the end marking the disastrous finally to our first attempt at pro-creating. Life was pretty low. A, our Aussie was greatly affected by the stress also. 

We ended up at the vet after a week long bout of diarrhea turned bloody. After, hours at the vet & a shaved butt, it was determined to be stress related. We were given antibiotics to help with the healing process & told to give her a bland diet of chicken and rice.

S & I also decided that we needed a break from reality. We decided to pack up the camping & climbing gear and head out to Lake Cushman for a long weekend of camping & climbing. It was just what the doctor ordered. It was good for all of us to get away from the usual grind and forget the crap that was lingering at home. How can a view like this not pick up your spirits?

In the last several years, my life has not gone as I planned over and over again. Every time, life has proven that "Everything happens for a Reason."

DAMN YOU LIFE! Don't you know how much I hate being wrong or not getting my way?!?!

Out of the crap came some good, as it always seems to do (quite to my annoyance, especially when I just want to be pissed and pout). 

First there was the solidification of two growing friendships. S&P went out of their way over and over, plotting and scheming for my own good, always there around the corner, just in case. It was amazing support and I know I would have been a nervous, blubbering and a depressed wreck with out their distractions, shoulders of support and optimism throughout. I love you guys!

Second, we had a different addition to the household. With one shedding mess gone, we decided that it would be a good time to get S's giant fuzzy beast. A co-worker found a listing (2 for 2!) for Bernese Mountain Dogs, S's dream dog, and we checked it out. Next thing we knew we had a deposit on puppy number 3 and were awaiting the delivery of our new puppy. Months later G is 50lbs heavier, a foot+ taller and I can't imagine life without the happy-go-lucky lug, who needs ALL THE LOVES, all the time (and wont stop stealing my slippers, no matter where I hide them).  

Third, there is always another opportunity... somewhere around July 13th, 2013!

The Unthinkable

Unfortunately, my first ultrasound didn't so much go as planned. We went into  the ultrasound, expecting to see what the movies show you... but that was not so much the case. First of all, there are multiple kinds of ultrasounds. The tummy kind you always see? Not what they do for an early ultrasound. When she had a giant long probe, rather than the rounded sensor thingy, I probably looked confused. She explained the whole thing to me, but I wont relay them all... mostly because I don't remember much. Suffice it to say, its an internal ultrasound. 

Once it was situated and the tech began snapping and measuring I was a nervous wreck. Once she got to the "main event," she explained to us that the fetus was not measuring as expected. Based on the size, it was only six weeks instead of eight and there was no measurable heart beat. 

They ushered S & I into a room to meet with the doctor, even though I wasn't scheduled for it until the next week. The nurse went through the motions, taking my blood pressure and what not. She noted that my blood pressure was high... Ya think? I was a wound up ball-o-stress! Once the doc finally arrived she explained there were two possibilities.  One, I had my dates wrong. After the whole bathtub event, I was pretty sure that was not the case. But maybe I had been hearing things...? I held out hope. Two, I had miscarried. Since I had not experienced any symptoms, they were going to schedule another ultrasound for the following week and see if there was any change.

That was not a good evening. I went home (well I didn't make it until I was home...the parking lot would be more accurate...) and fell apart. I curled up and cried. A lot. The following week, I'm pretty sure was completed in zombie mode. Jumping every time I felt anything. But still, nothing happened. 

The second ultrasound, as I figured (but desperately hoped against), went very much the same. No heartbeat, no growth, no outward symptoms, ushered into a room to meet with the doctor. 

The doctor explained that miscarriages are extremely common. 1 in 7 pregnancies end in miscarriage for all sort of reasons. I was experiencing a "silent miscarriage." This is when you have miscarriage, but your body does not recognize this fact, and carries on with the pregnancy, hormones, cravings & all. I was given options to take care of it. 1. I could get a D&C, which would require going under anesthesia and surgically removing everything. 2. I could wait it out until my body decided to get on board and take care of it. 3. There are prescription pills that could be taken to educe and speed along the natural process.

Not really wanting to have to worry about going under, and since my body hadn't done its job in the 3 weeks already, I went with option 3. That gave me the remainder of the week to mentally prepare & the weekend to recover. I figured I could fill my prescription (which came with Vicodin "Just in case...") just before the weekend. 

My body, had different plans, again. After an very uncomfortable drive home from the climbing gym one day, I was never more happy to see home. At first it was uncomfortable, then it became painful, eventually I became a yelling, screaming, crying, cussing, stomping, pleading, begging mess. 

S was scrambling to do something. He called the doctor, who called the pharmacy so that he could go pick up my prescriptions (since who knows where my paper copy was, and I was no help). Finally he returned. I eagerly accepted anything to make it better (although, I drew the line at crushing it as snorting it as suggested).

Eventually, after uncountable hours of yelling, pleading, begging, stomping, etc. I was able to leave the shower floor where I had been residing & move to the bedroom. It is still came and went, but I was eventually able to move into a fitful sleep. 

Not a process I would ever like to repeat. But it did teach me 3 very valuable lessons. 1. If you are given a prescription for Vicodin, fill it ASAP "Just in case." 2. If there is ever a next time, I will be unconscious for this process. 3. I will not be having a natural child birth. Drugs, drugs & more drugs please.